On The Road Again...

Yesterday was my birthday, 27 years of age, and I decided to take off two days from work and go to Hershey Park in PA, about a 3 and a half hour drive.  I usually take off a day to go to Six Flags, but I wanted to do something different.  I decided to bring my fifteen year old step sister, seeing as most of my friends couldn't go because they were working, or didn't have the money.  My sister has never really been anywhere, and she envy's all the places i've been, and the nonstop traveling I do.  She loved her little mini road trip, she loved sitting in the car watching NYC change to the farmland in PA.  When we were in PA, she told me she wished we didn't have to go home and we could keep driving.  I always feel the same way.  Something about being on the road, especially when you have no set plans (which I usually do), is an amazing feeling.  The wind  through the car, the road ahead turning and elevations changing, the freedom that you are on no schedule, that you are far from everyone and everything you are attached to, and your routine, is an amazing feeling.

Mis-interpretation

I spent Friday night getting tattooed in Manhattan and walked around a bit afterwards in the Lower East Side.  For those who are unaware, the Lower East Side is mainly filled with dive bars, tattoo shops, and off color shops and resurtants. I saw a lot of upsidown cross T shirts, or inverted cross T shirts.  As most people assume, this upsidown cross is a sign of Satanism, or against god.  I did some research when I got home for the origins of this symbol.  It actually has nothing to do with Satan or Satanism.  This symbol originated before 200 A.D, and this cross was originally known as "St. Peter's Cross".  In the text written on this subject it is said Peter requested to be crucified upsidown because he did not believe he was worthy of being crucified in the manner Christ was. 

More info on St. Peter's Cross can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross_of_St._Peter

The Tattoo

Tonight I have a tattoo appointment, I have been going once every few months for years now, since I was 19 I believe.  Now it's more common than it was when I started 7 years ago, however, I still get people constantly staring at me, and asking me about my work, or being over all disgusted.  People ask me, what happens when you're older and you hate them?  I respond, when I'm older I'll hopefully have a family to worry about, and what tattoo's I have won't be an issue, like it isn't now.  My poor mother gets so upset and angry everytime I go, I'm waiting for the day for her to accept me, but I'm turning 27 and I have a feeling it will never change.  Some people like to sky dive, rock climb, swim with sharks, base jump...  I just happen to like getting tattooed.  I enjoy the culture, the artists, the artwork and the history.  At this point I have so many, it doesn't matter to me anymore if I continue.  I don't even put a thought to it, they are apart of my body now.  Sure, I may be addicted to it, like one is addicted to drinking or smoking, but I'm the type of person who lives for today.  I'm not hurting myself or anyone else so I will continue to do it until I am satisfied. Above is my tattoo artist, and my close friend of 10 years working on my leg 2 months ago. Beside this post is a current picture of my legs I am working on, and below I encluded a short link or the history of tattoo's.

http://youtu.be/erC3ZKx59gE

"I want so much that is not here and do not know
where to go." Charles Bukowski

Happiness, what exactly does that mean?  I was speaking to a friend recently and he asked me what would make me happy in my life, and I felt that was a loaded question for me.  I see people with smiles on their faces and wonder how many of them are miserable inside.  How many question the choices they made in life and how many regrets they are harboring.  I'd like to think everyone can find happiness, peace at the end, but I'm not so sure.  I was estranged from my father for many years, and when he was dying he asked for me and my brother.  Unfortunately he died in the middle of the night and we did not make it there before he passed.  It's a hard thing to think about, and I know he had a rough life and I often wonder if he found peace.  Death is permanent, happiness is not.  Everybody has their ups and downs, people buy happiness, people take drugs to create happiness, people try everything they can to make themselves happy.  Is it possible?  Sure, I'm happy a lot of the times, but I'm also miserable some of the time.  So maybe there is the happy medium.  Maybe happiness just comes with the burden of unhappiness and there's no way around it.  Sure some people are more sad than others, and the doctors like to tell us it's a chemical imbalance in our brains, and sell us drugs so prescription companies go through the roof in sales.  Maybe as humans this is our condition.  The good comes with the bad, the bad with the good.  I am always searching for something, but I'm not sure what it is.  Something to put a smile on my face if only for a day or two.  But what after that?

Marriage

I have mentioned before I was married for a brief period, it was probably something I regret doing, I should have waited until I was older and could handle the seriousness of it.  I was young and reckless, and still emotionally all over the place.  I did love my husband, still do, but I made so many mistakes and he was so unhappy it was impossible and still is impossible to patch up the damage done.  I have tried over the last year to mend things to no avail, but he has moved on and is truly happy now.

I mention this because I am set to be a brides maid in a wedding next month, my first time in a wedding party.  The bride is my best friend, and I love her very much, but am unsure if she really is ready for this commitment.  She speaks to other men and ex's, and does things I do not agree with if you are planning on getting married, and have the date set and invitations out.  I find that my generation, and possibly before me, we do not take marriage as seriously as our parents and grandparents.  Marriage is seen as something you can easily just pick up and leave when things don't go your way.  And as long as you don't have kids, it is not hard to get a divorce and leave the other person behind.  Now Marriage to me means nothing.  Marriage will not stop someone from cheating on you, marriage isn't a guarantee the person will stay around.  It is a piece of paper two people sign as an agreement, but that agreement can be and is easy broken so many times. 

Maybe I'm jaded from my past experience, I do hope one day I get married again, and am happy and have children and my white picked fence, but it's hard to see that in my future after so many failed relationships, and watching my friends ruin their marriages, and are acting dishonestly. 

Happy Birthday Memphis.

Yesterday was my dog Memphis's birthday.  He turned 5, and I can't believe how much time has passed.  It makes me think about turning 27 next month and remembering it like it was yesterday picking him up when I was 22.  I originally bought Memphis with my Ex Husband the night after our engagement party.  I saw him from a breeder online and fell in love, but the next day was our engagement party.  So the morning after the party we woke up, drove 4 hours to somewhere in Pennsylvania, and picked up the new member of our family.  My Ex and I also purchased and house, and along with my own personal money, we put all the engagement/wedding money into this house.  This caused a problem when I went to leave him, I wanted some possessions in the house, he did not want me to have anything because I was leaving HIM.  So instead of going to court, instead of constant fighting, I simply said, I won't fight you on the house, if you give me Memphis.  Of course seeing as most people are materialistic, he agreed.  I packed up my clothes, and put a lease on Memphis and was on my way.  Memphis has been around longer then any guy I've had in my life, I feel like he is my son, and I have him to come home to everyday.  As sad as that sounds, he's been there for the best and worst, and I love that dog very much.  I might be one of those crazy "dog people", but Memphis is my baby, and I love him more than anything in this world.

Leonard Cohen

Leonard Cohen is probably my all time favorite poet, followed by one of my top 5 musical artists.  His voice is not that great, which makes it even better for me, but his lyrics and poetry are absolutely beautiful.  I wanted to share one of my favorite poems turned to song, although it is hard to have a favorite since I love so many.  The link to the song is also at the end of this post.

I lit a thin green candle, to make you jealous of me.
But the room just filled up with mosquitos,
they heard that my body was free.
Then I took the dust of a long sleepless night
and I put it in your little shoe.
And then I confess that I tortured the dress
that you wore for the world to look through.
I showed my heart to the doctor: he said I just have to quit.
Then he wrote himself a prescription,
and your name was mentioned in it!
Then he locked himself in a library shelf
with the details of our honeymoon,
and I hear from the nurse that he's gotten much worse
and his practice is all in a ruin.

I heard of a saint who had loved you,
so I studied all night in his school.
He taught that the duty of lovers
is to tarnish the golden rule.
And just when I was sure that his teachings were pure
he drowned himself in the pool.
His body is gone but back here on the lawn
his spirit continues to drool.

An Eskimo showed me a movie
he'd recently taken of you:
the poor man could hardly stop shivering,
his lips and his fingers were blue.
I suppose that he froze when the wind took your clothes
and I guess he just never got warm.
But you stand there so nice, in your blizzard of ice,
oh please let me come into the storm.
http://youtu.be/AEzRXjg1rYE

I love you Austin, Texas.

I met a guy a while back who lived in Austin, Texas.  I decided to go visit him and take a nice vacation from life and from work.  I did not expect the enjoy Austin as much as I did.  The city was amazing, everything I could want out of a city and more.  The people were nice, the resturants were fantastic, and the bars we're even better.  Country music and punk music playing on every corner, and tattoo shops on every block.  It was like the entire city was like the Lower East Side of Manhattan.  I am not happy in New York, I have not been very happy here for a while, but my job security has kept me here.  I often enjoyed places I have traveled, but never saw myself living there.  Austin has changed my outlook, and although it would mean giving up my good job, and good life I established here,  I long to move there, even in the 106 degree weather, and find happiness.

The Road, The End.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbLgszfXTAY

I have read and recently watched this movie, and although the book was more in depth, I found the movie to be good as well.  I often have thoughts about the Apocalypse, and how the world will end.  It could be because of all these movies in my generation (Ex: Book of Eli, 2012, The Road, War of the Worlds, Knowing, Independence Day) And although these movies might have different casts, different style plots, different settings, the main idea is, humanity does not have much time left.  If it be from our earth, nature, the sun, aliens, natural disasters, one thing is in common, we are all going to die.  Humanity is going to cease to exist at a time not far from now.

Not only do movies show us our extinction, but religion as well.  The rapture day for example that just past us. May 21st 2011.  For those who are unaware of this day, it is the day that Christians believed Jesus was coming down to judge us in the end of days, if my reading and memory serves me correctly.

I have an overwhelming feeling I'd say in the past year of my life, to feel like I need to be prepared in case anything does happen.  Sure Hollywood, the news, the bible could be brainwashing us all into doing things and feeling a certain way, But I live by, it's always better to be prepared for everything than to be unprepared for something.

No One In Control

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFzdA5webj8
"Face down in a puddle of things you left
and a mess
from my head
I was not ready
for all of this
biggest crush of my whole life....
and outside
your plane and train and car
are all
all on time...

yeah yeah yeah yeah

I could tell that there was no one in control
and that's exactly why I liked it
and oh how I liked it.
It spin so fast that I can't hold on and even though
my teeth are deep as nails and the only part I got... "

Above are lyrics from a band I enjoy called "Snowden", these are lyrics from one of there songs I posted the above link to.

Music is a big part of my life, it's something I've always related to.  This song especially makes me always think of all the things I've done wrong in my life when it comes to love, and interpersonal relationships.  I've recently had a horrible break up, from an abusive type relationship others would say.  I like to think of it more as toxic, we we're toxic for each other.  I am drawn to men who make me feel like I'm not in control, my entire life gets wrapped up in the fighting, the intensity, and I am quick to dismiss them, and then in the end I pine for them back.  It's a cycle I've always dealt with since I can remember.

When I come out of these relationships, I always wonder, do we really have a "one"... the "one".  One person that will complete us.  One person that will fill the emptiness we struggle with. One of the more famous quotes about loneliness which I feel like describes it best

"Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space." -Janet Fitch

I wonder how many people struggle with this like myself, I wonder how many people in this place lie awake at night wondering when this heart break and loneliness will finally end... where our prince is on his white horse to come save us from drowning.

An Introduction

    Well, where to begin... I suppose with the basics are appropriate.  I am twenty six years old, have lived in New York my entire life and possibly always might.  I have spent most of the money I have made traveling, seeing the world, or leaving New York as much as possible.  I'm not really sure why I do this, I have an uncontrollable urge to always keep moving, and living everyday like it's my last, because it might be.  A lot of the times I do not think about repercussions and I just act, which goes back to my the world might end tomorrow mentality so let's do whatever we want while we can.

    I grew up in a middle class household, parents divorced at sixteen, I bounced around from house to house for a while.  I was a good student, however, I was with the "bad crowd" as my parents would call it.  I bounced around from school to school because of disciplinary problems, until I finally graduated, with honors funny enough. 

    I've always had stormy relationships with people, I've always been in and out of relationships, I've always been one foot out of the door, it's how I am.  I could say it's because of my father not emotionally being around and not seeing him after the divorce for 7 years, but who really knows where our problems truly stem from.

    I can say I'm almost decently content in my life, I enjoy my career, I am looking forward to doing well in this class as well as my others, and I'm trying to stay busy and keep my feet moving.  Hopefully we all find what we are looking for, because I know I am trying.

     Hopefully this was some insight and decent introduction.

Delia's Gone.

I suppose I will start with my favorite artist and story teller, Mr. Johnny Cash.  His videos, music, lyrics, and stories I believe are some of the best I have ever heard.  He has a flawless way of telling a story through his music.

Link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeOPhh_DgPA